The Atomic Interview: The Easter Bunny Talks

After a seemingly endless chain of requests to visit with the Furry One, I finally got through to his agent, one Norman Weinstein. Norman told me that the Easter Bunny would grant me my interview. I was instructed to meet him at the California Pizza Kitchen in Sherman Oaks. After a while he made the entrance – I saw him slip the hostess a fiver and she pointed in my direction. 6 feet 4 inches of fuzzy bunny rabbit was heading my way, dressed in nothing but a giant purple bow and a friendly grin. *********************** Atomic00: Before we begin, let me just say that it is indeed an honor and a privilege to finally meet you. Easter Bunny: Thank you! I do remember you. I hope the bed wetting has stopped. A00: For some time now, thanks. Let’s delve a little into your roots as “The Easter Bunny.” The roots to Easter Bunny folklore range from Lunar festivals to words such as the Anglo Saxon Eostre and Phoenician Astarte, to stories relating to Buddha. The Chinese helped perpetuate the growth of the rabbit’s association with the moon by depicting a rabbit pounding rice in a mortar as a representation of the moon itself. The introduction of the Easter Bunny into popular culture started in Germany where edible Easter Bunnies were made from pastry and sugar. The Germans imported their love for the bunny to the United States when they settled in the Pennsylvania Dutch community in the 1700’s. A much anticipated visit form the Oschter Haws was second only to Christ-Kindel (Santa Claus). EB: Just skip that stuff, otherwise you’ll bore your readers into a coma. I was born and raised in Germany by a farmer named Knockerhoff. The old guy somehow became obsessed with growing things big. In his time he was known through three counties as the guy who invented the mutant tomato. A00: You were known as “Oschter Haws”? EB: Ahhh, Spreckenzie Deutch? A00: I’m sorry I don’t speak Dutch. EB: That was German. No I wasn’t known by that name until well after I started making the rounds. At first I almost had my cottontail shot off because people failed to grasp the concept of a giant rabbit laying eggs in their living rooms. But soon it caught on and I became well known. A00: You are easily the biggest rabbit I have ever seen. Six feet four inches and you look to be around 240 pounds. How did you get to be so big? EB: I have a sturdy diet of lettuce, carrots and steroids. I also work out four days a week at Bally’s Total Fitness. Phil, my personal trainer makes sure that I get a giant berry protein shake after every session. A00: You also have quite a command of language. Are you the only one of your kind? EB: Absolutely not. All rabbits and hares can speak. You are just not asking the right questions. One day farmer Knockerhoff just happened to say the right thing and he couldn’t get me to shut up since. A00: What did he ask you? EB: Well he and his wife were having a discussion about putting me in the pen with the girl bunnies. The farmer was for it and his wife was against it. So the farmer said “How about we ask him?” so he did and I answered. Rather enthusiastically I might add… A00: Let’s talk about your training. What kinds of preparation did you have in order to become The Easter Bunny? EB: I did a lot of hopping. Then I learned how to lay colorful Easter eggs. That first one is always a bitch, but then the rest follow ok. I really became a master at it around the turn of the century. Soon I was popping out Art Nouveau, Cubist and Dadaist eggs. The Cubist being the roughest to produce of course... You should have seen the psychedelic stuff I was producing in the late 60’s… anyway, I also trained in hopping silently which isn’t always an easy task, especially when you wear size 47 sneakers. A00: Did you enjoy the training? EB: I wasn’t particularly fond of training, in fact I was against it for a long time. Then the farmer gave me the option to train as the Easter Bunny or be served as the families next meal. So I trained. I trained like the wind. A00: Were you the only one training? EB: No. I had competition from a swine I knew from the pig pen. His name was Al. Al was pretty skilled, but lost out after he was caught eating the colored eggs. The poor bastard wound up as the Easter ham that year. (thoughtful) You have no idea how close you came to having an Easter pig. A00: What’s your secret for getting into and out of houses undetected? EB: I use the chimney like Saint Nick. Apartments are a little more difficult though. That’s where a crowbar comes in handy. A00: Have you ever had a run-in with a child while on an egg run? EB: Yeah. A few years back I had a run-in with this little twerp whom deliberately got hopped up on a bunch of sugar snacks so that he could stay up and meet me. He and his brother fashioned a net and tied a bunch of empty cans to it thinking that if they bag the bunny, they would get some kind of reward. Luckily their little sister tipped me off with a note she left by the fireplace. You can be sure all those boys got was a lot of really stinky rotten eggs that year. A00: It is said that you are the second most popular holiday icon, the first one being Santa Claus. Have you ever met Saint Nick? EB: Sure I have. Our families vacation in the same Caribbean hideaway almost every year. We usually have neighboring bungalows. Santa and I often sit out on the porch sipping some of his premium Santa SLAY Margaritas. I really have to watch it, cause I’m a lightweight. If I pass out Santa is always fond of the old ‘draw a moustache on the rabbit’s face with a Sharpie’ trick. A00: What kinds of things do you like to do while on vacation? EB: Parasailing. There is nothing like the rush being whisked a couple of hundred feet up and sailing over the ocean. I have to pick my time carefully because there are always a rash of UFO sighting-related calls when I’m up there. Sometimes I’ll snorkel with the kids, and of course there’s nothing like a little "Island love." A00: Any plans after Easter this year? EB: First a trip to Barbados then after I get back, I’m going to install a hot tub in the back yard. Got the Hottubs for Dummies book from the library. A00: Thanks for your time! EB: Thank you.