I really need to find a hairstylist. Like the political outcast who has no country, I have no hairstylist. I have been living the life of a carefree bachelor, just going from one hairstylist to the next, hoping that I might meet “The One.” I did have a perfect hairstylist once; she was my ex and man could she cut hair. Not only that, she had a vested interest in my hair since she would be seen with my head socially. It was great though; I always had the highest grade haircuts. Then we broke up and my hair care world went to hell. Out of moroseness I first visited “Honey” a stylist whom I suspect was a Bangkok prostitute before joining the ranks of styling. She whipped me through the paces, then asked if I wanted gel in my hair. After saying yes, she went to work putting the gel in and seemed to know what she was doing. She even tried to give me a massage afterwards, but I said that I’ll just give myself one later. When I looked in the mirror, I was horrified when I saw the rhino horn. Then there was Danielle. She was nice, but drank on the job. Now I don’t mind the drinking, just don’t do it when you are armed with clippers on “2” aimed at my head. There was a moment when near tragedy struck. She was yapping away to one of her workmates, when she nearly took a chunk of hair with her. Luckily I have a swivel head, so I was able to duck just in time. Morena came next. This European beauty was great to socialize with, but her hands belonged to a black belt. My hair was molded and pulled with a bruteness little seen in this day and age. She moved her hands through my hair, my skin stretching my face into grotesque shapes, nearly taking clumps of the hairy stuff with her. That’s it! I have had it with the frigging low grade hairstylists out there. I am looking for a hairstylist that I can be loyal to. Someone who will say “Hey Atomic00! How’s the hair hanging?” I’m looking for a stylist that can be creative, friendly, gentle to my sensitive scalp and able to keep a conversation going. Here are my qualifications: • I’m a loyal customer • I tip well • I offer pointless but entertaining conversation • I wash behind my ears • My hair feels like a bear rug • I can hold my head in a variety of different positions • I may be willing to let you apply that new blue dye you just ordered, to my hair.