If you are one of those that think that you will be rewarded for a good life by being admitted entrance to the Arcadian glades and celestial vistas of heaven, you should probably know about the soul credit report. When my uncle passed away it got me thinking; I could die tragically at any moment, whether in a blaze of glory as my car explodes while heading off a cliff or accidentally strangling myself in the dressing room at the Men’s Warehouse. Death is ready to swipe us at any moment – case in point: FINAL DESTINATION.
So I decided that since I am not taking part in an organized religion, the cards could be stacked against me. I better see how my soul rates against the Heavenly Admittance Points and Rewards Program. I found their website where it said that I can apply for a FREE soul credit report. Within 20 hours I received an e-mail with the words CREDIT RATING in the subject line. I was so nervous. I clicked on the tagline and here’s what it said:
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ATOMIC00
Washington, USA
Earthly plane of existence
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Dear Mr. 00,
Thank you for requesting your soul credit report. Our records show that you might want to get your affairs in order, as you have a questionable credit rating. However it’s not too late to do that extra good deed, smile a little more or eat those vegetables. For your information, we have compiled a list of accomplishments/offences that you have ensued over the course of your souls history.
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(The list spanned some 4000 pages, so I’ll give you the highlights here)
600 BC: Drove herd of oxen over cliff in Mesopotamia – granted it was your first time driving, however you were drunk on Mold wine.
480 AD: Burned down Benedictine lavatory after slipping from the window while spying on a local village girl while smoking.
1050 AD: Under the Feudal system, you forced the peasants living on your land to knit your girlfriend exciting underwear.
1338 AD: Started 100 years’ war bay draping a woolen banner on your house which said, “THE FRENCH SUCK ARSE”.
1649 AD: Executioner to Charles the I. In the act of beheading the former- king, you were joking with Bob the basket bearer and missed the king’s head giving him one hell of a nasty nick.
1756 AD: Knowingly traded low quality squirrel furs with local natives just outside the 13 colonies of the New World.
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(The list goes on, but I am dreadfully embarrassed so I’ll stop here.)
As you can see Mr. 00, your soul does need some work in order to be cleared for your heavenly departure. While you did by the whole load of Girl Scout cookies from Melissa outside the Safeway supermarket last April, we regret that it does little to bring your soul up to the minimum point status. You may call our advisors at our 800 number if you would like to order our guide on point accumulation.
The 800 number was busy! Looks like I'm in line for a callback sometime in 2032.